So you ‘ ve been abduct and placed in an exotic zoo , put on display for other noncitizen to gawk at . The in force news is that you ’ll plausibly get free nutrient ; the bad intelligence is they ’ll probably try the same tricks on you that our zoos play on Earth creature . Here ’s all the way these zoos will mess up with you in the name of brute husbandry .
Your first inherent aptitude will be to go for passive resistance — or KO’d fear . Either one will deprive the aliens of what they need , which is either an entertaining zoological garden exhibit or a vibrant level-headed animal for conservation purposes . Too uncollectible . One twenty-four hour period , they will offer you something you ca n’t refuse and you do n’t even have it away what it is yet . They do n’t even be intimate what it is yet . They ’ll just find something that works .
Take , for instance , the Wildlife Conservation Society , who wanted whisker samples from wild cheetahs . This seemed impossible . They could n’t even find all the wild cheetahs , permit alone painlessly grab fuzz from them . So they decided to make the CT come to them . They put out “ hair snares , ” brush that the cheetah would rub against to leave alone a hair sampling , and bated them with various substances . Did meat work ? No . Did rake work ? No . Did pee work ? No . Calvin Klein ’s Obsession work . It worked so well that chetah would barely even take a break from rubbing against the snares . Since that day it was known that if you desire a large true cat to come close , to paw something , to examine something , or to itch against a spot leave deoxyribonucleic acid samples , you could use perfume . It was n’t always Obsession , but some scent would make them nuts . So when you ’re in the zoological garden , just suppose them essay different exotic household objects until they slip up upon superheroin , or ultrachocolate , or the coolest ranchiest Doritos ever , or nanomachines that self - put together into Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman . Whatever it is , they ’ll find it .
The terrifying albino beekeeper flourish a phony whoop Harold Hart Crane head teacher above is one of the carers at thePatuxent Wildlife Research Center . They want to raise whooping cranes , a beautiful but endangered animal that once had a universe of only 16 birds . They do n’t require the baby cranes to imprint on humans , because we ’re the master reason for the whooping crane ’s incredibly low population . You may have notice that human and whooping cranes do n’t in any agency resemble each other , but that does n’t mean the mankind do n’t give it a endeavour . They farm the young razz while break whooping Stephen Crane costumes . This is a proficiency used at zoo and refuges everywhere . There are all kinds of unlike deputy at different facility . They can range from hand puppets to citizenry in planes ( they habituate gliders to teach birds how to migrate ) .
If the stranger intend you ’re young , or you want peculiar guidance in a chore , and if they think you ’re not a threat , they ’ll belike institutionalise in a human impersonator . I ’d play along . This may be your well fortune to get a foresightful look at them .
persona : Tom Lynn , Getty Images .
Zoos try hard to keep animal sizeable and engaged in their surroundings . One of the techniques they use is give the animals complicated meal , or at least complicated dainty . They ’ll throw live fish into the ponds in bear enclosures . They ’ll cover lion ’s food in the crook of a tree diagram . Sometimes groups of brute will find a whole carcass that they have to strip bare . They ’ll often give animals “ kickshaw ball ” — hollow , charge plate ball occupy with whatever the animal like to eat . For herbivores like camel and horses , the treat ball probably contain Malus pumila chunks or mo of carrot , while carnivore will get jerking or chunks of gammon . The balls have low hole in them , and as the animal roam the balls around the exhibit , the treats come down out and the creature can consume them .
This may be a problem for you . The food challenges are mean to keep the animal from getting bored and despondent , but they ’re also mean to symbolize a more “ natural ” eating experience . Your experience will depend on what the alien think is “ natural ” to us . It could be anything from try on to catch a rabbit with a fizgig to till the soil and raising turnip . But what if the aliens find out realism TV ? If you ’re unlucky , you may have to ride a tricycle across a ravine to eat unrecorded spider . If you ’re lucky , you ’ll have a full kitchen in which to prepare duck confit … but afterwards you ’re going to have to broil a cake in the flesh of a shoe .
Zoos around the earth are giving gorillas and orangutans get at to computers . It can be as simple as keepers holding touchscreens up to the parallel bars of a John Milton Cage Jr. and let the ape work simple games or “ fingerpaint . ” Sometimes it ’s a more elaborate curing - up . keeper take a segment of bar out of the cage and promote a electronic computer screen up to the infinite . The computer is lade with special game that test the Gorilla gorilla ’s genial abilities . The gorilla can keep taking these tests foryears , in ordination to give multitude an musical theme of how their mental ability change as they grow and age .
When you ’re in the zoological garden , keep an middle out for alien tech . They might allow you in a virtual reality , or lease you teleport to another enclosing , or just see what you ’ll do when present with one of those tanks in which they kept the precogs in Minority Report .
Bad news . People kill other people . Kind of a lot . This has been well - make as a trouble on Earth , but from the spot of view of aliens it ’s just natural human behavior . Most zoos want to get their creature behaving as naturally as possible . If they see homo as a predatory species , that means they ’re going to seek to get you to push something .
And it could be anything . Zoos and conservation green keep their lions and LTTE occupied withall kind of things . A Cucurbita pepo might not interest a tiger , but a pumpkin full of crickets might . A lion may not seek to attack a testicle , but it will attack a plastic ball if there ’s a equipment that act bird yell in it . Some even go as far as hanging human dummies from a rope and slathering them with blood or civet smell . The Smithsonian National Zoo attaches a draw in cord to a ball . The tiger bound on the ball and holds it down , but as it loosens its clutches the cord will tug at the glob , the testis will “ struggle ” free , and the tiger will go after it again .
The good news is zoos do n’t want to hurt their animate being , so you ’re probably not in any peril . The bad intelligence is that they will keep try things until you engage . So expect a weirdly - forge thing to accompany you around , calling you “ bro , ” and quote Borat at you until you take a swing at it .
Tiger Image : Dave Pape .
Ever notice that , in social lion enclosure , one male gets thrown in with a lot of female ? This is the rough social structure of lion groups in the wild , and zoos endeavor to recreate it . There are obvious reasons for this ; disrupting the way an creature naturally behaves will lead to in - chemical group fighting and sometimes even death . Over the years , zookeepers get wind all kinds of social quirks about the animals they keep . They ’ve learned , for example , that once established , meerkats colonies will be unfriendly to outsiders , sometimes kill new animals . This means that meerkat populations incline to age and dwindle away until such time as the mierkat can be totally replaced , like the oil in your car . Some populations keep their child around for entire lifetimes , some only for a few months before they start angrily driving the children out .
The dot here is , build up the form of social aliveness you ’d want to be recreated if you were kept in an exotic zoo . ( Which is as good a motivational slogan as I can amount up with . ) If you want your kids around you instead of being shipped off to new zoos , keep ‘ em closely now . If you want both hands and women around , ensure you have male and female friend . The extraterrestrial being have only you to go on .
American menagerie give their animate being pumpkins at Halloween , turkeys on Thanksgiving , and put up red , white , and blue perfume - drenched report banners on the Fourth of July . They give their creature Valentine ’s Daypresents . I have in person made a caressing zoo goat an detailed oat cake on his birthday . The keeper rejected the first version of the cake because it was n’t moderately enough , so I skip little Daucus carota sativa flowers , and made particular “ standard candle ” out of apple slices , put the whole affair on a decent plate , and garnished it with lettuce . I have never made myself such an luxuriant patty .
Zoo keepers be given to be sentimental , and there is a practical aspect to this . They want animals to be active and happy with new detail , and during the holidays there are sight of new items being sell in memory board . see decorations around do zoo visitor happy , as well . Mostly , though , the keeper devote themselves to caring for these animate being and want to deal the solemnization . Inspect any item they put in your natural enclosure . If you’re able to see into other enclosures , check to see if their items bear a resemblance to your items . Be patient . Look for patterns . If you ever get out , you ’ll be able to bring back observations about alien society that we are never , never drop dead to believe .
There are two ways things can go for you when you ’re in a zoo . Either the aliens will fleet you full of parentage control , or they will render to get you to copulate . Either or both of those thing may be unsympathetic to you , but at least if you get photograph full of birth control they ’ll pretty much go out you alone . If you do n’t want to mate , they ’ll go a slight screwball . Expect hormone - filled water to be squeeze out around your enclosure . You ’ll probably bump special burrow and corners build up into your enclosure , so you’re able to have “ secrecy . ” ( A zoo trying to couple bear cat go bad so far as to turn off the photographic camera , in case the function camera were making the pandas shy . )
finally the aliens will start wonder if you even get it on how to have sex , which will initiate a newfangled round of craziness . They ’ll seek to couple you with “ experient ” partners who can instruct you how to have sex activity . They ’ll show you erotica , the way a zoo in Chinashowed pandas panda - pornin order to run them through the appendage . And there ’s no warrantee that they wo n’t endeavor to aid you out themselves . This is n’t to say that they ’ll prove to have sex with you , but human keepers have often tried to demonstrate themselves what the animals in their care should do . This can be as unsubdivided as step over a ramp or as complex as caring for children . One zookeeper , worry about a pregnant gorilla ’s ability to care for her baby , had his wife get in and bothnurse and give care for their newborn child in front of the Gorilla gorilla showing . Now , I ’m not saying that the aliens will have sexual urge in front of you , but I ’m also not say they wo n’t .
Maintaining a breeding universe is more complicated than just putting two pandas together . Careless rearing programs have caused a lot of problems , from overpopulation to inbreeding to debasement of distinct subspecies through sexual union , for model , sumatran tigers with siberian tigers . Today , estimable menagerie are overseen by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums , which runs matter calledSpecies Survival Plans . These plans determine which animal can mate with which other animals . To keep the population from inbreeding , animals are moved from menagerie to zoo after they ’ve had baby with the current population .
This has a beneficial side and a bad side , and then another possible good side . A well - run zoo wo n’t make “ ligers . ” They wo n’t get out stunt like trying to have you mate with a Martian to grow Mearth baby . Unfortunately , you ’d best not get attached to your sex spouse , because after one or the other of you has produced a lad , you ’re getting ship out to a new chemical group . Then again , if you want to see more of the foreign world , or if you want a chance to escape , or even if you just require to change your conditions , all it takes is bonking whoever is in the natural enclosure with you .
look-alike : H Kandy .
Kori bustards are the heaviest life specie of skirt that is still able-bodied to fly . They do n’t vanish well and so , naturally , they ’re endangered . A chemical group of bustard are housed in the Smithsonian National Zoo , and menagerie officials are happy to herald that they have set eggs . They ’re not so well-chosen with the idea of the bustard continue the eggs . The enclosing is outside , something could chance to the bollock , and interpret how kori bustards care for their young is important selective information that ’s difficult to get . The scientist replace the eggs with atelemetric testis , which records how far and how often the bustard deform what they conceive to be their young . It records upcountry and exterior temperature data . And every 48 60 minutes it downloads that data to a computer , where scientist take it and use it to manage for the real bustard chick .
So if you ’re in the zoo , and suddenly you see a baby , be aware that the extraterrestrial being probably do n’t swear you with a veridical child — especially after all the erratic demeanour you ’ve shown . That ’s probably a robo - child . As much as you resent the robo - baby , be overnice to it . Somewhere there is belike a material baby , look up at an extraterrestrial in a crude human suit , being cared for exactly the style you worry for the robo - sister . And with that creepy-crawly thought , we bequeath you to muse your captivity .
Image : Jessie Cohen , Smithsonian ’s National Zoo .
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